Josh Billings

Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done. Josh Billings Don’t ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it. Josh Billings Economy is a savings-bank, into which men drop pennies, and [...]

Shelley Berman

I am careful with my material and presentation. Shelley Berman Though it sold very well, I hated The Edge. Shelley Berman Unquestionably, standup comedy is and has always been an art form. Shelley Berman While you’re improvising, you may come up with something which will break him up. As soon as that smile comes out, [...]

Milton Berle

Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name. Milton Berle I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting. Milton Berle You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think. Milton Berle A committee [...]

Jack Benny

It’s not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause. Jack Benny Modesty is my best quality. Jack Benny Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. Jack Benny Hors D’oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. Jack Benny I don’t [...]

Robert Benchley

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous. Robert Benchley Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows [...]

John Belushi

I guess happiness is not a state you want to be in all the time. John Belushi It’s all false pressure; you put the heat on yourself, you get it from the networks and record companies and movie studios. You put more pressure on yourself to make everything that much harder. John Belushi Nothing is [...]

Samantha Bee

I don’t think the show would be funny to you if you didn’t already have a base of information. Samantha Bee I think NASCAR’s coming to Canada now so it’ll take on a whole new relevance. Be afraid. Samantha Bee There are some people who believe that these are not real stories with real people, [...]

Richard Harris Barham

His eyes so dim, so wasted each limb, that, heedless of grammar, they all cried, that’s him! Richard Harris Barham Knight without fear and without reproach. Richard Harris Barham Ghosts, like ladies, never speak till spoke to. Richard Harris Barham He won’t, won’t he? Then bring me my boots. Richard Harris Barham

Ronnie Barker

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on. Ronnie Barker To get a job where the only thing you have to do in your career is to make people laugh-well, it’s the best job in the world. Ronnie Barker The marvelous thing about a joke [...]

Lucille Ball

I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line. Lucille Ball I regret the passing of the studio system. I was very appreciative of it because I had no talent. Lucille Ball I think knowing what you cannot do is more important than knowing what you [...]

Louie Anderson

I’m a 7 o’clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed. Louie Anderson We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that. Louie Anderson You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can’t leave [...]

Red Buttons

I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping. Red Buttons There is only one goal. That’s to keep working and keep flossing. Red Buttons When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he’d get a Bloody Mary. Red Buttons I’ll [...]

Marty Allen

If a man works like a horse for his money, there are a lot of girls anxious to take him down the bridal path. Marty Allen A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. Marty Allen

Tim Allen

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison. Tim Allen My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. Tim Allen [...]

George Burns

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. George Burns When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old. George Burns It’s hard for me to get [...]

Fred Allen

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. Fred Allen California is a fine place to live – [...]

Fatty Arbuckle

I don’t weigh a pound over one hundred and eighty and, what’s more, I never did. Fatty Arbuckle

Gracie Allen

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. Gracie Allen When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she’d just make enough for 16 and only serve half. Gracie Allen The President of today is just the postage stamp [...]

Rodney Carrington

I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything. Rodney Carrington You can talk about anything if you go about it the right way, which is never malicious. Rodney Carrington I can drink on the job if I want to. I can go [...]

Frank Carson

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine? Frank Carson I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance. Frank Carson So I rang up British Telecom, I said ‘I want to report a nuisance [...]

Eddie Cantor

Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going to fast – you also miss the sense of where you are going and why. Eddie Cantor When I see the Ten Most Wanted Lists… I always have this thought: If we’d made them feel wanted earlier, they wouldn’t be wanted [...]

Joey Adams

Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. ‘Get up early, work late – and strike oil.’ Joey Adams Smack your child every day. If you don’t know why – he does. Joey Adams The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win. Joey Adams If you [...]

Don Adams

I was married awfully young and I felt trapped. My wife had been divorced and all the time we were married we were out of the Church. It wasn’t until we were divorced that we became good Catholics again. Don Adams I’ve been paying alimony since I was 14 and child support since 15. That’s [...]

Kamal Ahmed

As we saw in the Queen’s Speech, anti-social behaviour – a phenomenon that I believe to be a genuine worry that is also being fed by a lot of scare stories – is the political theme of the moment. Kamal Ahmed Of, course it always cheers a news editor when a story has what we [...]